I wrote this essay not to get a high distinction or distinction but because i felt like it. My mark is irrelevant because i dont have the service hours... Still will be interesting to see what they give me. I thought you might enjoy reading it though, Be warned, its not short.Oh and i might post a normal every day one a bit later... Probably at the end of this week cos its gonna be hectic what with drama and all, oh come along and see us if you can wednesday, thursday and friday (14th, 15th and 16th) 7:30 start, tickets are $2 for students $5 for adults, will be on sale at door but buy at office to ensure you dont miss out, i can get them for you if you arent a hutchins regular and want to come just let me know.
Who am I? And What made me so? That question has bothered countless generations of people. Philosophers and scientists, psychiatrists and worrisome parents. Some would have me believe that who I am was destined from the start, as soon as my DNA was collected, my fate was certain. I would be the nerdy, less than actively athletic, history and drama loving, computer game playing, bizarrely sensitive person I am. With all my flaws, all my vices and all my virtues set out before me, unalterable and unavoidable. Others would tell me who I am is a result of my environment, of what I've been through, of who I know and what I've learnt. Of course certain things like my sexual inclination, a irregular heart beat and a certain chemical imbalance in my brain were not of my doing but the rest of it was never set in stone. I like that theory much better, it makes a lot more sense. So this essay, (If it can be called that. I would almost call it a personal reflective blog, but somehow I don't think blogs have quite been recognized as a formal method of writing), will show you who I am and why I'm me. Where do I stand on important issues and why do I stand there? Did someone tell me to or did I have a look around and decided it had the best view for myself? I'll start at the beginning and finish not quite at the end but perhaps wherever it is that I am now. Hopefully this will be enough to give you a glimpse into possibly my intrinsic psyche and hopefully I can fit it in three thousand words, somehow I doubt that.
I was born in Tasmania, though I cant remember that so who knows I might have been born in El Salvador. Rumour has it we moved to Adelaide for a while but decided living here was better when we were robbed 3 times in a month or something ridiculous like that. My first real memories are of Tasmania, namely moving house from North Hobart to New Norfolk when I was... so young I cant remember my age. These things must be somewhat important but I don't know much because I cant tell for sure how they shaped me. They must have in some respect because I wasn't the same as every other child but sadly I cannot tell you how they did. I must believe it was my parents who were the defining element in my growth at that stage because I don't know of anyone else who knew me back then. These parents will pop up every now and again, actually they're going to be in pretty much every part of this essay I think, subconsciously or not. I'll try to keep them from boring you too much.
I remember little from my kindergarten days, other than an argument of where exactly the throat is located in the body and then the promises of my friends that they were all going to the same school I was. Upon thinking about it that may have been in itself a defining moment without me even realizing. Because they were wrong, they may have been lying but its more likely that as little kids they wanted to all be going to the same school but their parents decided otherwise. Mum has told me that I was always a little afraid of the unknown, this will recur later, around the transition from primary school to high. And perhaps this is where it stems from, I rocked up for my first day of prep and my friends weren't there. I cant remember what I felt when I realized this or even if I did at all but I think somewhere deep down inside me I was scared.
I am a strong believer in the individual, I don't think we should all be the same and I despise people who make fun of others simply for the fact that they are different. They aren't as smart or athletic or whose interests don't interest them. But at the same time, I've always been afraid somewhat of what people around me think of me. This is important, in some respects its a weakness because I shouldn't get upset when people think less of me for reading or playing computer games or indulging in the odd comic or two. But at the same time its a strength, because if I didn't care what other people felt then I wouldn't be as compassionate as I hope I am. This is a hard essay to write for me, not because I don't know who I am but because it doesn't feel right telling you all my virtues, because I'd count modesty (sometimes) as one of them and telling you all about what makes me great isn't very modest. So maybe I'll offset it by telling you why I'm not great. Of course fitting who I am into three thousand words is a ridiculous ask and I doubt I will be able to do myself justice.
Primary school was a good time, from what I can remember but I feel my memories have been corrupted by events later on in my life. I forget the bad bits in favor for the good and this is not a bad thing, though it does sometimes make me wish I could return to being 11 when perhaps I really wouldn't want to be again. I love Soccer and there is no doubt this is because Dad loves soccer. I've played soccer every year, since I was seven apart from year seven. It is the only sport I like watching and playing and actually really care about. I played with New Norfolk for my primary days and that was a good time, we won more than my seconds team at Hutchins does. Even won the northern suburbs knock out cup one year and came runners up another. I remember one year we only lost one game an entire season and then totally flopped in the knock out cup, but thats life. It was at this time that my innate dislike for the athletically focused probably arose, those who felt they were what drove the team looked down on those who they thought slowed it. And kids being kids, without any real understanding of how their words hurt would express their views quite openly. My school never promoted this, it had 114 people between kinder to year 6, so to be honest there were none of these 'culture' sub-groups. No nerd group, no jock group, no cheerleaders, everyone was just themselves. This was a great enviroment to grow up in but at the same time failed to prepare me for what life is really about; subgroups, where people 'belong'.
I was really excited about starting high school, the work in year six was boring me and I thought high school would keep me entertained. Something strange happened when I started year seven though, at New Town, I did not come straight to Hutchins. I was no longer known by every teacher and every student, I was just another nameless face. My friends had been split out amongst tutor groups and those in my tutor group I didn't get on with very well. I started feeling eternally tired. I'd be sad for nearly the whole day, every day. I'd blame it on being tired because I couldn't understand what else it could be. My parents noticed and worried and I believe unfairly blamed it on my school or themselves. In truth even after moving to a tutor group with my friends in it I didn't get better. Even after moving to Hutchins I didn't get better. But at Hutchins there is a man by the name of Mr Dear who I owe a lot to, my parents probably owe him a lot as well and anyone who thinks for some reason they'd be worse off without me owes him. It is thanks to him the problem was identified and from there it was challenged and defeated. It is a minor chemical imbalance in the brain causing a little thing called depression. It doesn't go away, its always there and while there are medications for it I don't trust them. I choose to fight it myself on a daily basis. This little flaw of mine is probably the most important thing in my development to date. It has affected how I treat people and how I help people when they need advice. Its given me an interest in psychology that I haven't really explored as much as I want to. Its more or less made me who I am. Oh and my parents of course and my teachers and friends to a lesser extent. There is so much I could tell you and such a small word limit I fear I cannot tell you all. Not without exceeding that limit or boring you death, whatever came first.
I have a feeling I was meant to address certain issues in this essay, things like abortion and euthanasia and of course capitol punishment, tell you where I stand on such issues and then tell you why I stand there. I will I think, but perhaps not all of them. Hopefully that wont impact too strongly on my mark but personally it wont matter whether it does or not. I'm not writing this for my graduation because I don't have the service hours anyway and I doubt I'll get enough by the end of this year. This is my own fault I rarely did service and when I did I always forgot to get it written up, regardless I'm writing this essay. You might ask why even bother, why give myself extra work when I'm already doing four pre tertiary subjects, the 11/12 play and VET multimedia. Why am I doing this? Because I want to know who I think I am, writing it out has always made it clear. Besides how dare you try to define me with one or two words on a scrap of paper at the end of the year thanks to my service hours and this essay. I am more than words.
Let's address one of those three topics shall we, before I ramble on about who I am anymore. Abortion. Important, very important in todays society, especially given the fact that most of us have by now have entered relationships or will soon enough where this question might unfortunately arise. Personally I have always been pro choice because my mum is and my family is and it makes sense. Pro-Life is a silly term, it only takes into account the babies life, not the mothers or the families or those who will be effected and in some respects it neglects even the babies 'life'. Who's to say they want to be born into a family that cant take care of them properly? Personally if my girlfriend was suddenly to fall pregnant, hopefully thanks to me, I would be pro-choice. But that does not mean I would be pressuring her into having an abortion. Pro-Choice is exactly that, I want her to have a choice, to be able to decide what is best for her and the child and us. I will support her, no matter what she chooses because that is how I was raised to act and personally is how I think everyone should. I am as much to do with it as she is and so I will stand by her no matter what. I have no problem with pro choice other than the control it takes away from the father, who because he doesnt have to take care of it for nine months doesn't have a choice of his own, I mean he can express his wishes but in the end its all up to the mother. This is fair enough in some respects, but at the same time I think it could be a tad tragic. If a man does not want a child but the woman does, she's going to have it and more likely than not he has to pay child support. Fair enough you'd say, he helped make it after all. Perhaps so, but I worry about the reverse, when I man wants it and she does not she can still have an abortion and he cant do anything to stop her, she wont have to pay child support she wont have to worry about anything. We cant get around this, its the womans body so its her choice, but I think we would do well to remember it is not always a one sided affair. Fathers are not always the bad ones as they tend to be painted in movies and TV where divorces occur. This is a problem I think our law system has, its bias towards the mother. Sure sometimes the father genuinely is unfit to care for their child, more often than not it would be the father in that position rather than the mother, but this does not mean we should think all fathers are like that. Or all mothers fit to have children for that matter. Sadly I don't have an answer for this problem and I'm unsure whether any can ever really be found. I would talk more about this but I don't think I can explain why I think this other than saying its because of how I was raised. I guess I'm fairly Humanist in this matter, whatever society thinks best, but then if it came down to being me who'd just accidentally maybe created a child I think I'd be fairly egoist. Though I don't know what the word is for caring about one other person more than anyone else. Egoist implies I care about myself and what the effect will have on me, which is always true, but at the same time in these cases I care more about other people, in this example about my girlfriend whoever that would be. I cannot fit myself into one term, one word is not enough to sum up a person.
I write a lot, it's what I do in my spare time. It's what I'd love to do as a profession. I discovered it when I was bored one holiday, I sat down and I started writing and I didn't stop. I do it for many reasons, its fun being one of the main ones. Another I keep in mind is I find that its my outlet. Everyone has an outlet for their emotions, creatively or not. And this is mine. If I feel shit I sit down and I write the shit out, I write the sadness and pain away. More often than not it goes into my stories, I feed my stories my own emotions. So when I'm sad my stories are sad and when I'm happy they tend to be happy. Though anyone looking over my work would think I'm not happy very often. This is mainly because I don't seem to write when I'm happy as much as I do when I'm not because I don't need to sort out my happiness I'm happy just to sit and enjoy it while it lasts. I'm a writer because I read a lot, because my mum writes so some of it must have passed down through the genes and because I can't draw anything other than stick figures. Which is a shame, I'd love to be able to draw as well I hope I can write.
I'm becoming increasingly aware that this doesn't seem to be going anywhere and isn't really addressing the issues we listened to in those tutorials and fails to fit me into any kind of humanist or Egoist or Christian slot. I apologize for this, let me talk about those other two issues we discussed.
Euthenasia, a good death. This is something I can support. Dieing with dignity is important to me. Dieing with honor is an idea I think that should be maintained. If someone has decided they don't have any quality of life anymore and would be better off dieing now when they can with dignity and peace, rather than drawing it out slowly and painfully I don't see why not. However I'm a little apprehensive about making it readily available to everyone, people with depression should not be given the option because depression is not terminal and can be treated. However when death is certain, why not die well? The Japanese had this a long time ago, if you were to be executed anyway, why not die with dignity and honor, by your own hand? I'm not suggesting we start committing seppuku when we 'dishonor' ourselves, or give others the right to order us to. But I quite like the idea of dieing well. Though personally I'd rather die fighting for something, if I end up living to a ripe (or rotten) old age, why not let me pass peacefully, surely by then I'll have gone through enough pain to warrant an easy death?
Capitol Punishment. Here is an interesting issue, most people who are against it like I am are against it because its not humane. Personally if I think they've done something bad enough to warrant being on death row we don't really need to worry about being humane to them, they weren't humane to their victims were they? But I think death is an easy way out, it doesn't ruin their lives, it just stops them. I'd be more afraid of living in prison for my whole life, or in solitary confinement where I'm sure I'd lose my mind than merely dieing. This is a personal thing I'm sure some people love living in prison. Those who think it deters people are wrong, statistics show them to be so. I think this is because once you're dead you cant go out and warn people about not doing things cos it will lead to your death. Along with the fact that a lot of the crimes that warrant death are crimes of passion or committed by such people that you couldn't stop them by warning them, theres something wrong in their head. In their case rehabilitation is out of the question so why not kill them? Because I don't think they deserve that. They deserve to suffer and there are much more effective ways of causing suffering than simply killing someone. This may come across as a savage, cold, sadistic thought, but I don't mind. They gave their rights up as human beings when the decided they could take the rights of others away. I have no pity for the rapist or mass murderer. This doesn't fit in with with most of my other respects, generally speaking I'm quite in strongly in favour of human rights and socialist values where we treat each other equally. But these people didn't give others a chance to live freely and for that they must be punished. Once again this brings up my main problem with trying to identify myself with simple words like Egoist or Humanist. How can I be one word? How can I fit one stereotype? This is impossible, I am all and none, aspects of everything all mixed up together.
I'm a very sensitive person. When it comes to girls what matters most for me is that they are happy, above everything this is my main concern. I don't know why this is, for better or worse I will put them above myself. This is good in some respects, it means I care enough about them and my relationships with them to make them good relationships, but at the same time I have seen it lead to negative results on my behalf. Sometimes I need to put myself first. On the other hand it may have kept me alive. The idea of causing others pain is so abhorrent to me, in this respect at least, that I could not kill myself for fear of the guilt it would lay down on others. Thats not to say the only reason I don't pass on at this very moment is guilt but it has popped every so often. Funny that I worry about causing people pain in this respect but are quite willing to if they've committed some heinous crime. But hey I guess I'm just not simple enough to follow one unaltered, unquestioned set of values.
Perhaps thats where I fit, somewhere between a humanist and an egoist. Who puts others before himself when he should and is trying to learn when he needs to put himself first. I'm not eighty yet, I can't tell you who I am because I haven't finished becoming him. I can tell you where I stand on issues, simply yes or no. I could detail extensively my reasons for each but that wont tell you who I am and why I am that person. But I can tell you what I think makes us who we are. I think its the shit we go through. Sorry if I'm not meant to use bad words but it's the best suited for this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That's an old saying and it might be true but I prefer, What doesn't Kill us Makes us. The things we face define who we are and how we are shaped more than anything. Relationships are things we face, they are things we survive because they can't last forever. My last girlfriend taught me a lot but we're finished now, I survived the break up and I'm moving forward a stronger, better rounded person who knows more about himself than he did a year ago. This is where I will leave you, I again apologize if this is not what you were after but I answered the question as I saw fit. Mark me as you will, I did this for myself not a piece of paper that thinks it can define me with words like Distinction or Credit. For those words will not make me who I am. I will.
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